don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
