After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
