I accidentally burped into my bong.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
