Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
