So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
