There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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