If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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