I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize