Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
