Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
