I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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