3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize