Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
