He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
