You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize