He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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