Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
