Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
