Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
