I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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