Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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