sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
