he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize