just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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