I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
