If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
