the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
