the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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