but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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