Im at strip club and am horny
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
