He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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