Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
