If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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