yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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