using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
