margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
