So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
