She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
