Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
