Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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