All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
