You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
