My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
