I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
