I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
