First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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