4 words: hood of his car
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
