phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
