I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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