I am spending my child support on dildos
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
