Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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