Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
